Same title, different post.

So much has changed since then.

But not enough has changed since last month; at least I don’t think so.

Each day is different.

So goes my recovery.

As the Jesuit saying goes, “Good luck, bad luck, who’s to say.”

But it’s much better to be on this side of 2 Months than the other side, regardless of how I feel now, how I felt yesterday, or how I could feel tomorrow.

My brain is healing faster than my body is that’s for sure.

I’m ready to start walking again.

I’d settle for being able to stand up.

But I’d rather not.

Today is really a bittersweet day. I’ve made it so far, yet I have so much further to go.

Every time I’m in the gym someone is in there learning to walk again, or at least it seems that way to me. Every time I think, “That’ll be me in a few weeks. That’ll be me, and I’ll do better than they’re doing right now. Someday, soon, that’ll be me, and I’ll be better at it.”

The weeks are quickly turning into days, but that isn’t making the wait any easier.

In fact there’s no guarantee that I’ll be able to start walking soon. It’s a projection. A guess. An assumption.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. One of the few I’ve had, but the few I’ve had have all been recently.

The frustration of not having my brain “match” my body is wearing me down.

The funny thing is my brain has never exactly “matched” my body, but right now that little fact is just getting to me, it’s under my skin, it’s dancing on my nerves, it’s taunting me.

I’m on the outside looking in again. This time though it’s of my own choosing. There’s some comfort in that, but it’s not complete. There are still pieces missing. I have pieces I didn’t have before, that’s what I wanted, but it’s not enough, not yet anyway.

Will the rest of the pieces fall into place? Will everything go according to plan?

The anticipation is almost too much to bear.

That’s why I have to take things day by day.

Even if the day is a bad one.

Today is a good day.

For no other reason than I’ve reached a milestone.

I’m two months into recovery. That’s more than I could’ve ever asked for not so long ago.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. –Jeremiah 29:11

Here’s my second edition of Friday Fill-Ins (but it’s really #149)

1. Plans and schedules are the way my life functions, and must function, for now.

2. I’m happy when things progress in a positive way.

3. The last thing I drank was water.

4. One of the most valuable things in my life is the quality of it.

5. I like cheese on my pizza.

6. Dear November, I’d like to be walking, or at least cleared to start walking, by the end of you. We’re all getting very bored in P.T. because I can’t, yet.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to getting out of the house at some point, tomorrow my plans include writing some letters to friends, journaling, and watching Rescue Me and Sunday, I want to gear up for another successful week of progress!

only because I’m going stir crazy…… and my last meme was such a hit

1. What is your favorite thing to snack on while your blogging?
I don’t eat and type at the same time. I have too many friends who have trashed, as in destroyed, their computers that way.

2. What is one thing you wouldn’t want to live without?
A journal

3. Beach, Mountains, or Farm? Where would you live if you had a choice?F
arm. For some reason I see myself as a farm girl, even though I’ve never actually been to a real working farm before.

4. What’s your least favorite chore/household duty?
Bathrooms

5. Who do people say you remind them of?
I’ve been told I look like Alexis Bledel and Allyson Hannigan but it’s been years since I’ve been told anything close to the question above

6. Prefer parties and socializing or staying home with the fam?
I’m a homebody but I love when a friend or two visits, especially now.
7. What’s your all time favorite movie?
Movies are my equivalent of potato chips; I can’t have just one

8. Do you sleep in your make-up or remove it like a good little girl every night?
I don’t wear make-up. Does that automatically make me a good girl?

9. Do you have a hidden talent or a deep desire to learn something that you’ve never had a chance to learn? What is it?
I don’t think I have a hidden talent since I don’t really try to hide things like talents unless there’s a good reason; although I do have a Sixth Sense with certain children. As for things I’m dying to learn, I’m working on a 101 Things in 1001 Days list so I’ll keep it a secret but let you know, eventually.

10. What’s one strange thing you’re really good at?
Knowing random things; facts, stories, songs, Bible verses, movie quotes, etc

11. What first attracted you to your spouse?
I’m not married

12. What is something you love to smell?
Bio Kleen; it’s a laundry detergent

13. Tell something about you that you know irritates people.
I tend to run hot & cold with people & keep a lot in for a while before someone manages to chip away at the real issue

14. When you have extra money, what’s the first thing you think to do with it?
Pay off my student loans!

15. Are you a silent laugher or a loud laugher? What makes you laugh the hardest?
You can hear my laugh although I wouldn’t always call it loud. There isn’t one thing that makes me laugh the hardest but good stories & Comedy Central specials are pretty much tops

16. Where is your favorite place to shop?
Is iTunes considered a place to shop?

17. What’s one thing you’d do more often if you had more time?
Right now it would be P.T. if my insurance would allow it. But I’d love to have more time to write.

18. Are you a big spender or frugal?
How bad do I want it?

19. Who is your favorite character of all time?
Abby on N.C.I.S.

20. Would you want to be famous?
It would have to have to have a lot of “Ifs” and “depends on” attached to it if I was. Most simply put, if I could use my fame for good then, yes.

Today I’m reposting one of my first Make A Difference Mondays in honor of Eva Markvoort. Eva’s recently been listed for a 2nd lung transplant. I think Eva is an amazing person; and I know this just by reading her blog so I wanted to do something for her.

Please pray for Eva and her family as they wait for her new lungs.

I’m a very visual person so I learn a fair amount about life through film and other similar mediums. It was only a matter of time before film made its way into my way of giving back.

Did you know that 1 in 4,000 in the US is born with CF? (And about 1in 31 Americans are carriers of the CF gene. With numbers so high it’s surprising to me that I knew pretty close to nothing about the disease until this year, and knew no one with CF (Unless you count Frankie from The Real World San Diego).

CF (Cystic Fibrosis) is a genetic disease, “that causes mucus in the body to become thick and sticky. This glue-like mucus builds up and causes problems in many of the body’s organs, especially the lungs and the pancreas. People who have cystic fibrosis can have serious breathing problems and lung disease. They can also have problems with nutrition, digestion, growth, and development. There is no cure for cystic fibrosis and the disease generally gets worse over time.

The life expectancy for people with cystic fibrosis has been steadily increasing over the past 40 years. On average, people who have cystic fibrosis live into their mid-to-late 30s, although new treatments are making it possible for some people to live into their 40s and longer.” (from WebMD)

Meet Eva in the new documentary 65_RedRoses

Here’s the explanation of the film from Eva’s LiveJournal:

Hello Friends!

Unable to meet in person because of the spread of infections and super bugs, the girls have become each other’s lifelines through the Internet, providing unconditional love, support and understanding long after visiting hours are over. Now at a critical turning point in their lives, the film travels the distance the friends cannot go themselves, capturing the compelling and often heartbreaking realities they face, just trying to take each breath.

CF Links:
Great Strides
Cystic Fibrosis Foundation (US)
Cystic Fibrosis Trust (UK)
Canadian Cystic Fibrosis Foundation
The South African Cystic Fibrosis Association

CF Blogs:
Confessions of a CF Husband
65 Roses 4 PattySue
My CF Journey With God
Living Life Breathlessly
Cure Cystic Fibrosis for Reilly
Phoenix’s Fight
65 Red Roses

Organ Donation:
Donate Life (US)
Organ Donor Foundation (SA)
Organ Donation Canada
UK Transplant

And I’d like to wish a very happy 2nd birthday to Miss Vivi Kate thousands of miles away, but hopefully she’ll be joining her family soon!

Welcome to my week of lag.

My mom wakes up before me, always has always will, lately she hasn’t had to wake me up since medication run-out takes care of that for me. Needing to feel productive as I became “more healed” she’d leave things I could do on my own by my bed and go shower.

This week, she’s turned on the lights to see me sitting up in bed looking like I’m ready to hurt somebody.

I’m continually thanking God that He used the blogging community to bring Katey into my life. The support and encouragement I’ve gotten from people is amazing but Katey seems to know what I need before or even better than I do.

The same goes for Jessi, who went as far as to send me a card my first week home from the hospital. That’s something that’s always special never mind the small detail that I’ve never gotten mail from Tennessee before.

Lack of progress isn’t bothering me, neither is PT burn out (or at least I hope not!), but progress is bothering me; at least not knowing what progress I’ve actually made.

For one I’m going stir crazy. I make up reasons to be driven around the state, city, or even block; just so I can stay out of bed and out of the wheelchair.

Would I go out in public more? Sure. But I’m flu shot-less (seasonal & H1N1) and I’m considered high risk, and being post-op just adds to the reasons. Am I that afraid of the flu? Not really. But I just had major surgery, a minor infection, and a blood transfusion. I seriously doubt my scientifically proven solid immune system cares to do battle with the flu. So that limits my options.

I want, no I need, one of the 2 men that cut into me that September morning to tell me how I’m doing; and I’d even settle for the 3rd guy they called in for an opinion.

I’m due for x-rays in less than a month. But I want them now. I don’t care if I can’t start walking yet or put weight on my feet. I need to SEE the progress. I know then need to too. But they’re content to wait another month. I’m having trouble.

I know I’m making progress; my first pool session I had to have a PT at close range and two pool noodles to hold me up as I walked oh-so-slowly across the short end of the pool.

As of Thursday (less than a month later) I’m noodle-less or as they called it “I lost my noodles,” first one, then the other.

Excitement spread across the pool (which isn’t that hard), as one person said to me, “I lost my noodle a long time ago, but that means something else,” either way even the least excitable people were excited.

I can sit on & use (if you can call it that) the exercise bike without my knees crashing together in a nanosecond. It’s not the best positioning but you can already call surgery a success if you’ve seen the “before” and were there for the “after.”

Now I’m just telling myself how-much-of-a-success this turns out to be is up to me; because at this point it really is. I really could use some encouragement from the slice & dicers though.

I know I’m making progress. But how does it look on the inside? Can they even tell?

No news isn’t always good news.

No news isn’t always bad news.

Sometimes no news is just no news.

I’m feeling pretty down today. Difficulty sleeping is most likely the cause (& P.T. could be getting to me too). But being that I’m home alone for a few hours I had to do something to stay busy. So blog. Rachel posted her version of this and even though I’ve done a version this meme before I thought I’d do it again.

ABC’S OF ME SURVEY

A – Age: Twenty-five

B – Bed size: At the moment a hospital bed, but I think it’s technically a twin size bed

C – Chore you hate: If I had to pick one, bathrooms. But I pretty much hate all chores

D – Dog’s name: I don’t have one but my favorite dog’s name is Sammy, he’s my cousin’s so he’s kind of mine, at least in my mind.

E – Essential start-your-day item: My mom, I can’t even get out of bed without her help these days, although I’ve tried.

F – Favorite color: Teal. Teal heals; well it heals me.

G – Gold or Silver: Silver

H – Height: 4’ 11” and a half

I – I am: looking forward to a continued recovery

J – Job: Polling supervisor, but more importantly PT out patient & orthopedic surgery recover-er

K – Kids: No way; but the future is unknown

L – Living arrangements: With my mom, but hopefully not for the long tem.

M – Mom’s name: Ma

N – Nicknames: Cardinal, C.U. THE Sarah, Litlle Girl, Saroo……

O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Last one was September 10-17 2009, 1996, 1988. I think that’s all the major ones

P – Pet Peeve: The word panties

Q – Quote from a movie: Just one? “My family is big and loud but they’re my family. We fight and we laugh and yes, we roast lamb on a spit in the front yard. And where ever I go, what ever I do they will always be there.”

R – Right or left handed: Ambidextrous, but right hand dominant

S – Siblings: Not anymore

T – Time you wake up: Depends on the day. I’m a “slave” to my treatment plan

U- Underwear: Yes

V – Vegetable you dislike: I can’t pick just one but I don’t like onions, unless they come from Georgia

W – Ways you run late: Not getting up early enough is the biggest one

X – X-rays you’ve had: I’ve had a litany of x-rays so the latest being 2 right rib/fibs, and one pelvis in the “frog” position

Y – Yummy food you make: I don’t cook, unless you count pizza rolls

Z – Zoo favorite: Since I’ve lived by The National Zoo I have to say Pandas

For everything there is a season

Closing in on 2 months post surgery there’s still so much to say but there aren’t enough words, or even the right words, to do it justice; or the experiences that have followed.

One of my favorite movies is Love’s Long Journey, as is the whole Love Saga.

One of my favorite songs is “Turn, Turn, Turn” by the Byrds

What do these to things have in common?

Ecclesiastes

So it’s no surprise certain verses come into my head, and often.

As medical supplies continues to leave my house you’d think I’d consider where to send it to (although just throwing it out does have a certain appeal), the pads, wipes, gloves, and (yes) even bedpans. The good thing is a good portion of it is being returned to its owner. The rest of it is going to the dad of one of my mom’s coworkers; you see, he was in the hospital shortly after I was discharged. Good timing right? Well, “good” timing.

At least it has a place to go.

Not needing it anymore means I’m progressing. Not having it hang around for much longer after the fact means I can focus on the now & the future. Having it somewhere to go means someone else is being helped. (You should know my brain is having a Circle Of Life moment as I typed this)

The more stuff that moves out more moves in. And I wonder, just how much more?

I get my night brace tomorrow & an AFO will follow soon enough. Hopefully that’s the bulk of the new stuff that needs to stay around, but only God knows for sure.

Dependent edema and rubor are now a problem, or at least it’s been identified, so I’m sporting my TEDS under my socks and “Sweet Kicks” (as my friend Kate calls them). Not a big deal, but a pain none the less. More time in bed helps, except that’s the last place I want to be.

And to be fair I think I’ve had rubor for a while. Should I worry about that, because I’m not; I just can’t bring myself to do so.

I went back to work yesterday, intending to just visit and ended up saying the whole shift. It felt good to get back to “normal.” My coworkers are supportive so my concerns quickly evaporated. I had to make adjustments but that’s what this part of my life is about so I’ll roll with it.

I had some concern about the dependent edema but wearing TEDS under my pants worked better than I anticipated so I just might have stumbled onto a solution that at least works for now. There was also worry about my getting the flu, or other sickness, especially since I can’t seem to get my hands on a flu shot, of any kind, for the life of me.

Either way I look forward to going back next week!

I’m still making progress in PT. I’ve actually been able to do things I didn’t think I’d be able to do for a few months. So you can just imagine what my mind was going though. Sometimes the smallest things still take a great deal of help, like PT activities, so thank God for PT students and PT aids.

I’m starting to do some of the exercises in the pool I use to do (pre-surgery). It’s a big boost to my moral. It just feels good to feel some of my old self still in there and weaving its way into my new body. It may take more effort in one way or another but at least I can do it.

I’m excited for Halloween because it means Thanksgiving is almost here, and that means back to Boston to check on my progress.

Thirteen Things WE Take For Granted

1. Gifts

2. Community

3. Help

4. Creativity

5. Progress

6. Mobility

7. Independence

8. Support

9. Freedom

10. Life

11. The ability to have the Lord walk right along side us (if we so chose)

12. The multiple blessings each of us has

13. The littlest things

Because there really are no words. For those of you who haven’t heard, because it has made national news, his name is Jasper Howard

Here’s a small list from a previous post to start this one:

I want to go to the bathroom, in the actual bathroom, with the door shut. Alone.
I still need help in and out but the actual “bathroom-ing” is taken care of by yours truly. Alone.

I want to take a shower, or at least a bath.
Accomplished thanks to the extra big showers in the therapy pool locker room; not ideal, but much better than the previous arrangement.

I want to stop sleeping in a crappy hospital bed in my makeshift bedroom that’s taken over the living room.
The equipment company took the trapeze off the bed and took it back when they picked up my rental wheelchair; and we’ve moved the bed so I don’t feel so in the way of everything. I still hate sleeping in it and I can’t wait to make the call to return it but I’m much happier with the new arrangement (until the day the living room goes back to being the living room)

I want to be able to decrease or tolerate my very much needed Valum doses so my hands stop shaking making my hand writing look like I’m just learning to write.
Valum- at wake up and bed time, and only occasionally during the day. My handwriting is the best it can be since I don’t have a desk to write from; although my spelling seems to be getting worse, who would’ve thought that was possible.

I want to turn myself over in bed when I want to turn over.
Depending on if I get myself stuck, my muscles spasm at the wrong moment, I can turn myself over. I’m waiting on a night brace before I try sleeping on my stomach again, which is something I’m dying to do.

I want my fracture blisters to be a memory.
Blisters are gone! (although other skin issues remain just that, an issue)

I want to sit in the front seat of the car.
That’s on hold for at least a few more weeks, but I am adjusting to life in the backseat, as long as I have my iPod to listen to.

I want to go back to work, because my mind is more than ready, and is in fact turning into mush with each passing day.
Plans are in progress, possibly going into action this week.

I want to sit in my wheelchair without worrying about leg swelling forcing me back to bed.
It’s hard to judge the actual progress on this one. I think I just have to wait it out. I’m told because I’m non weight bearing it’s just going to happen; but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t freak me out now and again. You wouldn’t believe how many colors skin can turn (Was that too much information?)

I want to think about moving part of my body and actually move it, even if I need a little help.
Doing it, and without help depending on the body part.

I’d like to not feel like a pity case, because I’m not one.
I still have days when I feel like one but I’ve accepted it as one of the stages in recovery.

Other Accomplishments:

I can get my socks off on my own*

I can get my shoes on*

I can tie my shoes

I can walk in the pool (and rather well if I say so myself), because it’s considered non weight bearing; and without a PT hovering over me.

I can transfer myself most places with minimal assistance

My eating habits are practically back to normal

I’m gaining weight

My night brace is coming in Monday (26th) fingers crossed. I’m REALLY excited about it for some reason.

New AFO casting, and AFO creation, is being put off for at least another month.

And finally……

A very special thank you is headed to a group of really awesome people

Enough patting myself on the back, but feel free to pat me on the back if you’d like to because I could always use the extra encouragement.

*Mostly left foot only but right foot too if it’s a lucky day.

Oh yeah, and I’m writing this post from home, not just home, but home alone. It’s the little things that make life worth it, people let me tell you……..